Kristie Kannaley
Professor Stewart
Eng 3391
9 July 2009
Alternative Book Report- Be More Chill

2. Rewrite the story in a different time period. You may rewrite the story in a futuristic or past setting if it is set in the present. Stories set in the past may be written in the present or future. You may also choose to rewrite only a particular event in the story.

In the novel Be More Chill, by Ned Vizzini, Jeremy is a desperate loser who is nearly obsessive about finding a girlfriend. His not-so-secret love, Christine, barely notices him, and he is eager to be considered “cool” in her eyes. In the process of declaring his feelings for her, he comes across a newly-popular item on the black market called a squip. It is a tiny computer that must be swallowed by its owner. Once it is inside the body, the squip can read all of the thoughts and memories of the individual and provides direct advice on what to say, wear, and do to be cool. In the following piece, I will rewrite parts of Jeremy’s story as if the squip he swallowed was a much older, medieval version. The completely capitalized words will represent the words the computer is saying inside of Jeremy’s head.
Upon walking into the theater for the third afternoon this week, I saw Christine slouching in one of the audience seats, a highlighter in hand, most likely practicing her lines for the upcoming performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. She was to play Puck, one of the most important roles in the entire show. I figured it would be best to take my seat in the round circle of chairs, rather than interrupt her during her study session.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT THE KIND OF ENTRANCE A TRUE KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE WOULD MAKE UPON ENTERING THE LADY’S CASTLE?
What are you talking about?
WILL YOU JUST LEAVE A LADY TO SIT WITHOUT THE COMFORTING PRESENCE OF HER WHITE KNIGHT?
Well, she looks busy. I don’t want to distract her. This play is really important to her, and she might get annoyed by me.
TAKE HER HAND AND CHARM HER WITH YOUR NATURAL-BORN SENSE OF CHILVAROUS ROMANCE.
I wasn’t sure if I trusted the squip’s advice, but I reluctantly approached Christine and knelt down, kissing her hand like I had seen the knights do in King Arthur movies.
“What are you doing?!” she gave me a horrified look, unsure of whether I was playing a stupid prank or losing my mind. “Don’t you know that mononucleosis is spreading around the school? We aren’t even dating, and you think you have the right to kiss me like that?”
DECLARE TO HER THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF HER FACE! TELL HER THAT HER SKIN IS AS WHITE AS A DOVE AND THAT YOU ARE HONORED TO BRUSH YOUR LIPS AGAINST HER LOVELY WINGS.
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” I apologized, “It’s just that your skin is as white as a dove, and I am honored to brush my lips against your lovely wings.”
“That’s not funny, Jeremy! You know that red heads don’t tan. I could be out in the sun all day long, and I wouldn’t tan, and you know it! I would appreciate it if you would stop mocking me, and let me get ready for rehearsal. You should do the same,” she replied.
TELL HER SHE WILL HAVE IT AS SHE WISHES.
“I will do as you wish, my lady,” I responded and turned to walk away. Out of my peripheral vision, I caught her mid eye-roll.
DON’T WORRY. YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER. ONCE REHEARSAL STARTS, BE SURE TO ESCORT HER TO HER CHAIR.
About ten minutes later, Mr. Reyes dramatically pranced into the theater, beckoning the students to take their seats on stage for rehearsal.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. DON’T FORGET TO PULL OUT HER CHAIR AND CALL HER “LADY.”
I approached Christine for the second time. “May I escort you to your seat, my lady?”
“No. Cut it out Jeremy.” She picked up her books, turned to the side when I tried to carry them, and stomped up toward her seat. I had to run around the side of the curtain to beat her to her chair. I gripped the back of it, sporting my most handsome, knight-in-shining armor grin.
“Do you really think I’m going to fall for that? I can see that you’re going to pull my chair out. Next time you want to try that one, you might want to make sure you’re behind me so I can’t see you.”
TELL HER YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER.
“Christine, I just don’t want you to have to lift a finger. I’m your knight in shining armor, and I wanted to make sure I pulled out your chair for you so you wouldn’t have to,” I declared.
“Jeremy, there are no desks here. There are no tables. I don’t have anything to pull my chair away from. I would have just sat down in it how it is,” she practically yelled.
SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR THE NATURAL WORLD, THE LAND OF THE PEASANTS AND FIELD WORKERS. LET HER KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO EMBELLISH HER WORLD AND SHOW HER THE TREATMENT SHE IS WORTH.
“I just wanted to make things better for you, Christine. I wanted to rescue you from the world that you live in and show you the life of a queen. You are worth far more than these field workers!” I desperately tried to recover.
“Shut up, Jeremy. Seriously, just shut up,” she looked like she was about to cry.
“I agree with that notion,” said Mr. Reyes, “It is now time for us to begin rehearsal. Please take your seats, everyone.”
DON’T WORRY, JEREMY. WE CAN STILL RECOVER FROM THIS. WHAT WE NEED IS A NEW HORSE, ONE WITH SPEED AND POWER THAT SHE CANNOT STAND TO IGNORE. WE SHALL TRAVEL TO THE STABLES AFTER PRACTICE, AND I WILL HELP YOU CHOOSE ONE TO HER LIKING. WOMEN CAN NEVER TURN DOWN A MAN WITH A NICE RIDE.
I rolled my eyes within my head so that Mr. Reyes wouldn’t think I was frustrated with him and wondered whether the squip would ever truly assist me in my courtship.